This podcast episode about the biology of human intimacy by host neurobiologist Andrew Huberman and guest evolutionary psychologist David Buss is really important because in the perspective of biology, it's the purpose of life and we're a product of it. I'll be only covering around 15 minutes of content and these thoughts are my own. I'll note accordingly when not.
During intimate relationships in the US, 1 in 4 women and 1 in 10 men experienced contact sexual violence, physical violence,and/or stalking. Over one third of men (34.2%) and women (36.4%) experienced "psychological aggression" during intimate relationships according to the CDC. Disgusting. It's a shame that this common issue is considered taboo so schools don't even touch it. If your school did, bravo.
Before I continue - if anyone abuses you in any way (physically, emotionally, sexually), go to somewhere safe and call 800-799-7233 or go to thehotline.org as soon as possible! Life is complicated, but here are some hopefully insightful suggestions. If you're enduring the abuse because of loneliness - well you can meet new friends. You can lookup volunteer/meetup or other events that select for genuinely kind people that will welcome you with open arms. If you're hoping that your partner will change, make sure that your partner understands how you feel and if unsuccessful, get out.
Remember, you are never deserving of abuse. I know some people actually want toxicity...that is some Stockholm Syndrome shit. Seek help if it applies to you.
For abusers, do some self-reflection, look at yourself in the mirror and stop. The first step to recovery is acknowledging it. Thehotline.org also has resources for abusers.
The nature of toxicity
Understanding the nature of intimacy is especially important because when the clusterfuck of hormones gets released in your brain, even the strongest and smartest have trouble acting rationally upon it. It's the pinnacle of primal behavior and the repercussions may be severe if it manifests as toxic behavior. Time is being wasted. Lives are being ruined. Absolutely heartbreaking.
An important factor in preventing the emergence of these toxic behaviors is by understanding and acknowledging them. You can't act on a behavior if you're unaware it's happening.
For example, if I had a partner and she hungout with her guy-friend or something, by instinct, I would probably be jealous. However, by being aware that jealously is a natural, irrational instinct, I can ignore the feeling. If I do feel jealousy regardless, well if I can't handle that shit, I probably need to work on myself before committing to a relationship lol.
So by becoming informed:- Aggressors may be unaware that their behaviors are toxic, and upon understanding, they can take action to treat it.
- Potential aggressors would know to avoid it (or at least try, get help if unsuccessful)
- Potential victims can gauge the evolving situation and get out when it's easy
- Actual victims can hopefully get out with support
- Observers can notice the signs and take action
In the beginning of the episode, the discussion focuses on the characteristics that women and men tend to select for partners and it seems to be common sense. After ~1:10:00 mark - they start to talk about the toxicity.
Jealousy
In the context of intimate relationships, jealousy is often thought of as a product of insecurity. Though there may be some truth to that, the current scientific stance is that, like I mentioned before, an evolutionary psychological response for mate retention that can not only affect "normal" people, but also the most "secure" Chads or Stacys . Unfortunately, it's the most common and dangerous one. It's a selfish emotion and people seem to shrug it off when it emerges. Instead, it should be dealt with ASAP, as it's one of the major causes of domestic violence and other toxic behavior, as mentioned by Buss and Huberman. Jealousy is an adaptive function to preserve mate investment/retention.
How jealousy can emerge
Okay, so jealousy is terrible - how can I tell whether it will emerge or not?
As described by Buss and perhaps obvious, jealousy can emerge when there are potential competing partners or when there is discrepancies in displays of affection
A more subtle instigator is how a partner is perceived by society or potential partners. Huberman and Buss really used the very scientific term "mate value" and the very scientific metric - the "out of 10" scale... yeah I'll be using the term "standing" instead "mate value". So it seems like the healthiest relationships tend to be with couples who are in similar standing. This is important, because deciding to "settle" for someone who is consistently perceived as lower standing by others (I know, terrible way to put it, but it's life) can be dangerous.
When jealousy becomes dangerous
Trying to "equalize" the discrepancy in standing may happen. The lower standing partner might:
- Assert controlling behavior - like taking of communication options or dictating where a partner is allowed to go or what a partner is allowed to do.
- Engage in verbal abuse or manipulation so that the partner in higher standing will feel lesser.
- It may even take a darker turn, and get violent. Buss mentions that 28-30% of marriages have instances of physical violence..
Buss mentions that men are the ones who typically engage more frequently and also do more damage, which may be unsurprising. Verbal violence tends to be a good predictor of physical violence and when it leaves visibility marks - the receiving partner will have more incentive to wear more concealing clothing and/or stay isolated from others.
Buss also implies that when there is women on men violence - it tends be in self-defense, but he also acknowledges there "some" cases where not.
I'll stop commentating here at the 1:24:14 mark because things get even rougher... They continue to talk about violence and additional topics like machiavellianism (really toxic traits), stalking, the impact of kids on standing, but there's a shift at the end about polyamory and self-evaluation!
Closing note: I can say anecdotally, there is a lot of happiness in healthy relationships, but understanding our biological instincts is something that you should be aware of because toxic behaviors can decrease quality of life substantially, or even cause death in the worst cases. Awareness helps prevent and mitigate risk.